16 Oct 2013

Waiting for Mine



I choose to let go of what is not mine
And I choose to let go in peace
I choose to acknowledge the charm in it
And yet to willingly release


I choose to let go without regret
Without feeling it is a sacrifice
I choose to believe that my path ahead
Has treasures that are even more nice


I choose to believe there is enough potential
To satisfy each genuine longing of mine
And I choose to be patient and wait for my gifts
And not cut in front of the line





7 May 2013

Himalayan Learnings

To the Himalayas I wanted to go
Of the Himalayas I thought and dreamt
After years of dreaming and waiting
To the Himalayas I finally went

Loudly the Himalayas called to me
And to the Himalayas I did troop
And this time I travelled with the people
I loved most dearly in a group

In the Himalayas I sit right now
Nestled cozy in Earth's Paradise
A part of me is feeling very good
And a part of me is feeling very nice

But another part of me inside
Is feeling lonely and alone
But having arrived in Paradise
How could I possibly groan

How can this heart be not content
How can this heart need ever more
How can satisfaction elude me now
When I have everything I wanted before

What is this endless search I'm on
What will fill up this heart of mine
Where is this place on planet Earth
Where desires and fulfilment really align!

        It is interesting what I realised soon after writing this poem. Since the realisation did not come in verse I am writing in prose now. I had been feeling frustrated that being in the Himalayas and being in pristine nature was not automatically making me happy. My flash of insight came when I thought of the many monasteries that abound in this place (including the two I had just visited in the last two days). Clearly the monks were striving for similar things as me; peace and happiness. However, they were not just sitting idle amidst the mountains in the belief that nature's peace will rub off on them. They were working hard on their inner landscapes to make this happen. They were following rituals, meditations, exercise, diet, abstinence and carefully crafting the inner and outer experiences of their life to move towards greater peace and happiness. So too I must! :-).
      With this flash of insight I shifted gears from being a seeker of peace and happiness to being a creator of the same. Even though I might have been in the most conducive environment of the Himalayan mountains, I realized that I could not let go of the responsibility of crafting the inner landscapes of my mind. So for the rest of my trip (and hopefully I will continue doing it for the rest of my life) I took responsibility to co-create the happiness and peace I desired. I co-created these feelings and experiences with other human beings, with nature, and indeed with the wonderful Himalayan mountains. I must admit that once I started making my own inner efforts, the presence of the mountains did give an amazing lift and buoyancy to my inner experience.

5 May 2013

You are my Muse


You are my muse, thats what you are
For you can never be mine totally
Like rain you come and go as you please
But when you come, you drench me completely

You are my muse, with your proximal presence
You churn the insides of my heart and mind
Because of you the canvas of my life
Is coloured with emotions of every kind

You are my muse, I dont really have you
But you trigger growth and healing in me
You ignite in me sparks of energy
And inspire me to be the best I can be

You are my muse, my object of focus
Since I anyway cant get you out of my head
I will use you as a mirror to reflect
And channel that energy to my art instead

3 May 2013

Murky Pond

Today I witnessed something intriguing
I witnessed the thoughts in my head
I witnessed my emotions as they raced
And how they followed and how they led

I played some songs from yester-years
Songs with intense drama and emotion
And as I watched and as I listened
My feelings were no longer my own creation

I noticed my thoughts were not my own
My memory was piecing bits together
Bits to conform and fit in with the song
To blend with the songs emotional weather

Such random thoughts, such random meanings
All mushed up and stored in my mind
Why go to a theater, I have fodder inside
To churn out dramas of any possible kind

Whose thoughts are these, whose beliefs
I did not create them, I soaked them in
Some notions from books and songs and movies
And the rest from various kith and kin

So when my emotions hijack my peace
And my thoughts take me to annoying places
Can I just correct some patterns in my head
And free myself from all their traces

What happens the next time I read a book
My next movie, my next love song
The next conversation I have with someone
The next time I agree to just tag along

Can I be alert and aware all the time
To watch my attention and the company I keep
Can I orchestrate my life so much
To guard against influences while awake and asleep

Perhaps I should just immerse myself
In this messy and drama laden culture of ours
Expose myself to possible consequences
And stay prepared to bear some scars

I cannot be separate from this world
I am a part of this networked mess
The ideas that abound on this planet
Are the ones I find in my mind to address

As I brace the ups and downs of this ride
I want to be anchored somewhere beyond
Somewhere outside the world and my mind
For they both resemble a murky pond

18 Apr 2013

A prayer

I pray that my tears not be in vain
I pray that some good comes from this pain
I pray that I heal my wounds inside
I pray that this healing spreads outside
To touch and transmute all of life

I pray that I see this current ordeal
Not as a problem, but as a chance to heal
I pray that while I experience agony
The learning from my experience is shared with many
So we all grow together through this

I pray because this all I have left to do
This wonderful trick, I wish I earlier knew
I pray that this peace I feel as I pray
Does not stay confined to just me today
But engulfs every creature that exists

I pray that this healing not end right here
I pray that I transcend my every fear
I pray that as I am shown the way
And the universe invites me once more to play
We all embrace this game together!

17 Apr 2013

I knew this was coming

A part of me knew this was coming
Of course it eventually had to
How could it be different this time
Even if the person involved was you

They always start on a wonderful high
And then an ugly face rises
I'd like to believe I'm getting immune
To these heart-wrenching surprises

What I cannot understand though
Is how come I don't stop trying
How do I innocently expect each time
That this time I wont end up crying

Is life really all about crying
Does everything beautiful end in tears
How long do I have to live to understand
How many more tear-stricken years

I don't even feel like blaming you
How many people can I go on blaming
You guys have figured out a way to survive
It is me who has'nt learnt this gaming

It is me who is trapped in self defeating patterns
Me who gets caught in fancy illusions
Me who weaves these dreams of hope
And so me who is the victim of my delusions

10 Apr 2013

Rethinking Rejection

Sometimes I've tried to reach out
But been greeted with a no
And this refusal has made me
Feel unworthy and low

Sometimes I've tried to initiate
But been told to go away
And this response has made me cry
And ruined my entire day

I made requests and demands of life
But life had a plan of its own
When I perceived my needs were not being met 
I became lost and forlorn

I framed it in my mind as if
Others were rejecting me
But I was also rejecting their needs
Is a perspective I can now see

So a no is really just a no
A response that there is no overlap
In the needs of two people at that time
It is not an insult or slap

It is not an indicator that I should not
Initiate another request
It is not an indicator that I will be
Perceived as an annoyance or pest

I can be free to initiate as much
And as often as my heart wants to
Accept with grace whatever the response
And feel free to re-initiate anew





Authenticity

I'm being authentic, no matter if
My authenticity scares you away
I'm being authentic, no matter if
It makes you feel angry today

I'm being authentic, because it is
The truest way for me to be
I'm being authentic, my inner self
And that's the me you'll get to see

I'm being authentic, I'm being just me
I'm not perfect and that is a fact
I'm being authentic, I'm expressing myself
I'm tired of using masks and tact

I'm being authentic, bring it on
Bring on as much criticism you can
I'm being authentic, no ego to protect
No image or pretense of an ideal woman

You can put whatever labels you want
I'm honoring whatever arises in me
For this is the only way I know
To walk the earth and yet be free.

31 Mar 2013

Flowing on


You are your own person
I lay no claims on you
You have your own world
That is totally right for you

I dont want to intrude
I have no claim or stake
Your life is well assorted
I have no further point to make

I followed the drifts of my heart
That brought me to you once
I shall continue to follow its currents
Whichever way it runs

You be comfortable in your nest
I'm flowing on with my stream
Whenever I miss your lovely smile
I'll create it in my dream



25 Mar 2013

Cycles

Another cycle comes to an end
Coming back to where it once begun
Quite the same as it was back then
And yet this moment is a unique one

I have grown, the world has grown
We have each changed in different ways
Shifting in perspectives, within and without
Accumulating experiences over the days

It might appear that the scene is same
But it greets me quite differently now
No longer a stranger to my eyes
We have befriended each other somehow

Every cycle does come to an end
But the shifts inside are here to stay
Each day the sun sets then rises again
But never is there an unmarked day

24 Mar 2013

Key to Love

Love they told me was the nature of God
Love they told me was the reason to live
Love they told me connected us all
Love they told me would move me to give

In search of love I wandered around
In quest of love I went many places
I searched in temples, ashrams and churches
I searched in the expressions of human faces

But love was elusive, difficult to find
She would show her face, then slide away
And though I would try to grasp and hold
It was not in my control to make her stay

She came on her own in the strangest of places
And engulfed me in the light of her bliss
Transforming my world just by her presence
And connecting me seamlessly with all there is

But then she would leave, I couldn't figure why
And I would tumble back to a denser state
Pleading and yearning wouldn't bring her back
So I assumed my role was to helplessly wait

Today however I learnt something new
From the connection I felt with trees
In a moment of oneness the barriers dissolved
And I found myself in love with ease

Love, I learnt is the language of the universe
Each genuine connection - an experience of love
Why wait when I can initiate connections
Now the key is with me, not somewhere above







8 Mar 2013

Open up

God whispered to me this morning in bed
I have so many gifts lined up for you
Open your heart, open your mind
And look out in whatever you think or do

For when you are focussed on your dream alone
I am restricted in what I can provide
Even though I have a sack full of goodies
By your intentions I try to abide

When you are open and ready for adventure
When you are trusting, willing, and keen
I can share with you my abundant treasures
Of which you may not have heard or seen

23 Feb 2013

On Dissapointments

The joys and delights of my earthly life
Are enticing but packed with dissapointments
Unfulfilled expectations, shattered dreams
Broken promises and missed appointments

Disappointments and let-downs seem quite the norm
When dealing with other human beings
But there is no disappointment when I look to You
Oh source of love and all good feelings

You are the eternal, You are everlasting
Everyone else comes and goes
You are the one who can fill me up
Unconditionally from head to toes

You are the one who wont let me down
Others I can never know for sure
Who in human form can I trust
Whose promises and words are absolutely pure?

You are the ultimate companion dear God
You have never turned me away so far
You are never too busy when I call
You are always there! Indeed you are!

May my life's journey be anchored in You
May my hearts longings be directed to You
To You alone may I always turn
In whatever I think and whatever I do


17 Feb 2013

God

I think I know who God might be
She visits sometimes in my dreams
I've felt her presence on mountain tops
In open spaces and flowing streams

They say she also resides within
The very hearts of you and me
But this aspect of God in humans
I am still trying to sense and see


12 Feb 2013

Bondage

As much as I love you I hate you too
I feel bonded in my own need for you

I seek your attention night and day
I keep on anticipating what you might say

I love you because you stir me to live
And you really make me want to give

I hate you because you don't want to accept
All I want to give in love and respect

I am choking in my own need to share
I am drowning in my own desire to care

Where do I take this overflowing love
That is incessantly seeking expression now

You are the one that aroused this in me
And you have the key to set me free

How can I get it back from you
So we can both be free in whatever we do

10 Feb 2013

Watching It Die

That which has been much dear to me
Seems to be fading somehow
Dissolving and disappearing before my eyes
Whether or not I seem to allow

It hurts my heart to thus percieve
Something so precious melting away
But no matter how much I try and grasp
It does not appear that it will stay

Can I find some grace inside of me
To watch it perish as it does
To allow whats dying to naturally go
Without creating much stress and fuss

When I turn my attention inward I find
Something incessantly alive and bright
A wonderful vibrant stream of life
That is flowing in its natural right

This stream is flowing very strong
This stream is gushing forth with life
This stream does not seem inclined to stop
Because my heart is caught in strife

In this stream I find my strength
From this stream I draw my grace
No matter what dies in the world outside
This stream keeps my inner life in place

Whats dying outside can continue to die
Whats alive in me chooses to live
And to this gallant stream of life
Unconditional support I continue to give










8 Feb 2013

Passing Time

Sometimes I feel I'm just passing time
And filling up moments one by one
Just passing time as some would say
Until each day is somehow done

Sometimes I'm doing things because
Doing is what engages my mind
If I stop doing and enquire within
Psychic entropy is all I find

Even my meditations feel like a doing
A mental doing of wilful focus
For the landscape of my mind is a chaotic place
Where I need to mark my coordinates and locus

Can I just stay and rest somewhere
Where I can be free from time and thought
Where the present is not an obstacle to cross
To reach a future that is longingly sought


28 Jan 2013

Good Girl Contract

It's amazing how so many contracts
I've knowingly and unknowingly signed
And how easily to these contracts
My power I have resigned

Some I consciously initiated
Others I innocently inherited
But each of them I have sacredly upheld
Whether or not such dedication, they have merited

One contract I made with myself
A very long time ago
Was that I would be a 'good girl'
Though the meaning of 'good' I didn't know

I entered gallantly into this contract
Even before I learnt to walk
I started on the quest to define 'good'
Even before I learnt to talk

I tuned my ears to pick up cues
About what does a 'good' person do
I looked to infer from conversations around
Meanings of 'good' that others knew


My definition of 'good' developed in layers
Accommodating all I witnessed and saw
From friendly conversations or gossips overheard
To serious debates on policies and law


Sometimes I get a star in my notebook
And the 'good girl' basks and purrs in glee
But the contract mentions no number of stars
So in quest of stars I continue to be

Good mother, Good teacher, Good citizen, Good person
The many tentacles grown from 'Good Girl'
My contract enforcer sits deep within me
Busy noting  tickmarks, imagined and real

So I'm still playing with my definition of 'good'
Taming this many limbed growing monster
Desperately upholding that ancient contract
While trying to refine it better and better

But my 'good girl contract' is wearing me out
It is constantly making me assess what I do
Is it not possible to be inherently good
Irrespective of what and how I do?

Can't I just drop this burdensome contract
I made unknowingly when I was a child?
Do I have to spend the rest of my life
Carrying around the criteria that have piled?



22 Jan 2013

My Feelings and Me

What is it inside of me
That makes me feel the way I do
Who is it inside of me
That is mixing up emotions, old and new

Who is orchestrating my myriad moods
That set the climate inside my head
Am I the conjurer of these moods
Or the one who is unwittingly led

Can I call the shots of this game
Or am I merely a passive spectator
Am I the canvas where my feelings paint
Or am I itself their powerful creator

Am I a creator who has forgotten
Am I a creator who is half asleep
Spinning on busily while in slumber
Creating a web, vast and deep

Do I have courage to wake up now
How will it feel to be awake and create
Will I have to first clean up my mess
Or can I start afresh on a brand new slate








19 Jan 2013

Facing My Pain

I feel so stupid and like a clown
How am I coping by being so down

My heart has betrayed me yet again
My senses have lured me into a pit of pain

How did I become so hopelessly lost
Amidst stormy emotions helplessly tossed

Where is that wise and mature being
Through whose eyes I was once seeing

Where is my inner guiding light
How could she just vanish from sight

Exactly at the time I need her most
I find myself running from pillar to post

Running in search of comforting company
Running in search of loving empathy

Running so I am not left alone
To face my heart, dishevelled and torn

Running so I don't have to pick up the pieces
Running so I don't have to iron the creases

Running in the hope I'll find someone outside
Who will whisk me away on a distant ride

A distant ride to an unknown place
Where my own fears I don't have to face

An escape ride that will distract me so
And make me forget that I had been so low

But don't I know this ride is bound to end
Eventually my heart I must myself tend

This love and empathy I so much crave
Is not like money which I can save

I might just find myself a hero today
Who my sorrows can temporarily slay

Tomorrow though, I might be alone again
Facing my inner sorrows and pain

For sorrows and pain can arise anyday
And my senses and emotions might anytime sway

Do I have courage enough inside of me
As all of this happens, to just watch and see.