28 Jan 2013

Good Girl Contract

It's amazing how so many contracts
I've knowingly and unknowingly signed
And how easily to these contracts
My power I have resigned

Some I consciously initiated
Others I innocently inherited
But each of them I have sacredly upheld
Whether or not such dedication, they have merited

One contract I made with myself
A very long time ago
Was that I would be a 'good girl'
Though the meaning of 'good' I didn't know

I entered gallantly into this contract
Even before I learnt to walk
I started on the quest to define 'good'
Even before I learnt to talk

I tuned my ears to pick up cues
About what does a 'good' person do
I looked to infer from conversations around
Meanings of 'good' that others knew

My definition of 'good' developed in layers
Accommodating all I witnessed and saw
From friendly conversations or gossips overheard
To serious debates on policies and law

Sometimes I get a star in my notebook
And the 'good girl' basks and purrs in glee
But the contract mentions no number of stars
So in quest of stars I continue to be

Good mother, Good teacher, Good citizen, Good person
The many tentacles grown from 'Good Girl'
My contract enforcer sits deep within me
Busy noting  tickmarks, imagined and real

So I'm still playing with my definition of 'good'
Taming this many limbed growing monster
Desperately upholding that ancient contract
While trying to refine it better and better

But my 'good girl contract' is wearing me out
It is constantly making me assess what I do
Is it not possible to be inherently good
Irrespective of what and how I do?

Can't I just drop this burdensome contract
I made unknowingly when I was a child?
Do I have to spend the rest of my life
Carrying around the criteria that have piled?

22 Jan 2013

My Feelings and Me

What is it inside of me
That makes me feel the way I do
Who is it inside of me
That is mixing up emotions, old and new

Who is orchestrating my myriad moods
That set the climate inside my head
Am I the conjurer of these moods
Or the one who is unwittingly led

Can I call the shots of this game
Or am I merely a passive spectator
Am I the canvas where my feelings paint
Or am I itself their powerful creator

Am I a creator who has forgotten
Am I a creator who is half asleep
Spinning on busily while in slumber
Creating a web, vast and deep

Do I have courage to wake up now
How will it feel to be awake and create
Will I have to first clean up my mess
Or can I start afresh on a brand new slate

19 Jan 2013

Facing My Pain

I feel so stupid and like a clown
How am I coping by being so down

My heart has betrayed me yet again
My senses have lured me into a pit of pain

How did I become so hopelessly lost
Amidst stormy emotions helplessly tossed

Where is that wise and mature being
Through whose eyes I was once seeing

Where is my inner guiding light
How could she just vanish from sight

Exactly at the time I need her most
I find myself running from pillar to post

Running in search of comforting company
Running in search of loving empathy

Running so I am not left alone
To face my heart, dishevelled and torn

Running so I don't have to pick up the pieces
Running so I don't have to iron the creases

Running in the hope I'll find someone outside
Who will whisk me away on a distant ride

A distant ride to an unknown place
Where my own fears I don't have to face

An escape ride that will distract me so
And make me forget that I had been so low

But don't I know this ride is bound to end
Eventually my heart I must myself tend

This love and empathy I so much crave
Is not like money which I can save

I might just find myself a hero today
Who my sorrows can temporarily slay

Tomorrow though, I might be alone again
Facing my inner sorrows and pain

For sorrows and pain can arise anyday
And my senses and emotions might anytime sway

Do I have courage enough inside of me
As all of this happens, to just watch and see.

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