26 Dec 2014

Love Deeply But Dont let it Bind

As I lie on my deathbed
And you gingerly hold my hand
I know how much you love me
I truly understand

My heart wells up in tears
When I think I have to part
I cannot fathom how we
Will survive in worlds apart

We walked on flowering meadows
And we climbed mountains together
You were my loyal companion
Through good and stormy weather

My days rolled in your arms
You walked every step with me
Without your presence, I do not know
Who or what I might be

My life was amazingly beautiful
But I am tormented now
Seeing that death is going to snatch me
From your embrace somehow

I thought I was lucky to live
A life so wrapped in bliss
But never did I realize till now
That a double edged sword it is

The more my happy memories
The more I am suffering in pain
When I think that those sunny days
Will not come back again

Happy moments are not enough
Unless I master the art
To let go with grace and acceptance
When the time does come to part

Otherwise each joyful experience
Carries a dangerous dagger as well
That can tear open the longing heart
And cast it into hell

Savour the moment, and let it go
Love deeply, but don't let it bind
If we could develop this subtle skill
Peace we could probably find


























21 Dec 2014

A Confusion on Degrees

I was a child, a dreamy child
They held a painting contest
I splashed my colourful dreams on paper
Then they 'judged' someone's the best

I had tons of fun while drawing
And even more while colouring
But after they announced the prizes
I felt I was missing something

I looked at my colourful creation
And I wondered what was wrong
The joy was gone, the fun was gone
And confused I trudged along

Over years, the confusion vanished
And I collected many a degree
Academic, sports, and even yoga
So I could flaunt my pedigree

More years pass, the confusion comes back
For subtler the degrees now get
'Successful professional', a common one
Or the 'Happily Married' certificate

This time I will embrace with open heart
The gifts present in my confusion
This time I am able to recognize
That a degree belongs to an institution

If I reject the institution, I can reject the degree
I can reject the invitation to be judged
I can splash those colours on my canvas again
And rejoice in the way they are smudged






11 Dec 2014

Rising From the Ashes

You were dying, or so I thought
I had given you up for dead
I did not think you stood a chance
Given how much you had bled

Caught up was I with my thoughts
Trapped by my own assumptions
Planning how to bury your body
How to manage my son's emotions

I stayed not with your suffering
I stayed not with your present
I ran, I hid, I got really busy
To avoid that painful moment

I saw not your wounds as they were
I only saw harbingers of death
As my mind raced into the future
Towards the certainty it seeketh

I waited and waited for the news
I waited for you to die
I waited for closure before I gave
Myself the permission to cry

But you dear wolfy, furry beast
You just turned that all around
You just kept breathing in and out
And slowly your rhythm you found

As the days and nights went slowly by
You breathed, and breathed some more
And then you sat and then you walked
And my every assumption you tore

Soon I noticed from the corner of my eye
You were not dying yet
Soon you even started eating
Without the intervention of a vet

Before my thinking mind could register
You were back on the street again
Running, barking, and sunning yourself
With no more trace of pain

You rose from the ashes, just like that
A phoenix right on our street
Resurrected by mother nature herself
You race on your doggy feet

What can I learn from your story
And what can I unlearn as well
Perhaps to step outside my thoughts
And the gloomy stories they tell

If you had believed, like I had
That you were going to die
Would you have lived to see today
And chase these butterflies by?

While I was worrying in my head
You stayed gently with your present
Though lying in your pool of blood
You did justice to each moment

You did not die, you are thriving
I wish you many more sunny days
And I am inspired to step outside
My mind’s soothsaying ways

This poem is inspired by 'Growly' a street dog who lives on our street and who made an amazing recovery after surviving a series of brutal attacks by a gang of other street dogs. Growly's neck was gashed and he was lying in a pool of blood and everybody thought he was dying. However, Growly showed amazing strength and resilience as he gradually limped back to existence. Today he runs and plays again, as energetic and lively as any dog can be.


27 Nov 2014

A Saga of Infinite Lifetimes

We have been lovers before
Indeed we have all
Though specific interactions
We may not be able to recall

We have been friends before
Indeed we have played
In gardens and in backyards
On tyre swings we swayed

We have been siblings before
Indeed we have giggled
As we hid under blankets
And our little toes we wiggled

We have been travellers before
Indeed we have walked
Sharing food and stories
We have laughed and talked

We have known each other before
Indeed we have seen
Into these eyes, Into these hearts
Co-explorers we have been

1 Nov 2014

How Faith Can Banish Darkness

I want to be bad, be cruel, be vindictive
I want to draw out my sword and fight
I want to shout aloud and call out names
I want to crush others with my might

Yes I have these vices and more
Yes I have many devils in me
Devils that only I can hear
Devils that only I can see

I want to be manipulative and be mean
I want to force others to follow my will
I want to pull people by their hair
I want to be violent, I want to kill

Yes I have these thoughts and more
Yes I have such emotions in me
Emotions that only I can hear
Emotions that only I can see

In acknowledging these emotions I let myself be
In voicing these emotions I let me be seen
In accepting these emotions I accept every person
Who at some point, in such places has been

In witnessing these emotions I let myself recognize
The spectrum of creation to which I belong
In allowing these emotions I let myself know
The faith I have had in existence all along

The faith that I will be guided always
That I will remember to reach inside
The faith that these dark emotions will pass
And the devils will eventually step aside

The faith that I am okay no matter what
The faith that I too have a core of love
The faith that when I ask for support
It comes down cascading from heaven above

23 Sep 2014

The Warrior in Me

Bring them on, one by one
The warrior in me is ready
Though the storm be rising outside
My mind is calm and steady

I called upon the warrior energy
And made it into my own
I stand here now with fiery eyes
And wild hair all windblown

Say it out, aloud once more
Your abuses wont make me cry
You cannot break my self esteem
No matter how much you try

I'm living my values in what I do
I'm trying my very best
I care not if such effort of mine
Does not pass your test

The warrior in me smiles at you
For she does not know fear
If you hold a threat up to her face
She calls you to come more near

She is not one to turn and flee
Oh she is here to stay
She is strong and she is tough
And she paves her very own way


14 Sep 2014

Neediness

I tell myself I need you
Your company and your presence
But in my head you only are
An idea, a concept, an essence

When I am by your side
I feel a certain way
Triggered by what you do
Triggered by what you say

When I tell myself I need you
I need that feeling place
And if I can find that feeling
Then 'You' I need not chase

The feeling of being loved
The feeling of being cherished
As I work my way to this feeling
My neediness has perished

I love you for who you are
And I love spending time with you
But my well being is not dependent
On what you say or do

I have found ways to manoeuvre
Through the mazes in my mind
To bypass the 'needy thoughts'
And leave dependency behind

I have found ways to reach
Those places within my heart
That are open and full of life
And where creation is an art

To this sacred space I go
To create and savour feelings
For while life may orchestrate events
I give them their meanings









11 Sep 2014

Good Enough?

'You are not good enough'
The voice arises again
That very intimidating voice
That has caused me so much pain

You're not a good enough mother
You're not a good enough wife
You're not a good enough daughter
You're not good enough for life

You're not a good enough friend
You're not a good enough teacher
You're not a good enough player
You're not a good enough creature

I cannot run away from it
This voice is in my head
So today I choose to question
And dialogue with it instead

What is this good enough
Is it something even defined
Or is it a moving target
That will always leave me behind

Who decides this good enough
My mother, my father, my friends
My culture and it's customs
Or fashion and it's trends

I think 'Good Enough' is an idea
Whose time has come to go
So we can embrace ourselves
With love from head to toe


27 Aug 2014

Fearless

How liberating to walk
Without any fear
With no need for assurance
That the way ahead is clear

How comforting to see
Infinite paths ahead
If ever one is blocked
I can choose another instead

How wonderful to be
Open and playful inside
To greet an uncertain tomorrow
With arms open wide

How amazing to feel
Life flowing through me
To see the falseness of my fears
And set myself free


22 Aug 2014

Choices in Love and Life

I used to think Love was an occurrence
It either 'happened' or did not
I used to think Love was an outcome
I was either 'in love' or was not

I am sensing now that love is a process
I either engage in it or don't
Love is an ever-available option
Sometimes I will choose it sometimes I won't

I used to think Life was an occurrence
Something that was 'happening' to me
I used to think that Life was an outcome
And 'good' or 'bad' it could be

I am sensing now that Life is a process
It is everything unfolding in me
Life is neutral, an uncoloured force
I can choose to colour it or let it flow free

21 Aug 2014

Money and Me


Money and Me

There was a time when Money was 'Taboo'
Desiring money was tantamount to sin
Money was the prince I could dream about
But whose affections I should not try to win

Money was a whimsical whacky witch
Whose plans and preferences I did not know
I saw her so often in some friends' houses
Yet I saw other places where she just did'nt go

When I saw naked beggars on the trains
And homeless children on the pavement
I thought of the money in my fathers pocket
And what that money could have meant

I grew up, I grew up, and I grew up more
Now I have much money I call my own
Money no longer feels so taboo
With me, my love for money has grown

Money is now a tantalising queen
I celebrate when she chooses to come
I use her presence to fulfil my needs
And appease my guilt by donating some

Yet I cannot connect with my money
I do not feel wealthy in spite of my wealth
There is a chasm between my money and me
As I look up my bank balance in stealth


A note related to this poem:

I have been thinking about why I feel so disconnected from my money (or my wealth) and I realised that one reason could be because of the way I invest it/store it. I typically put my money in banks and they invest it in stocks/bonds/whatever. However given the complexity of most investment products (and my limited ability to comprehend financial instruments) I have no simple way of understanding what 'work' my money has been put to. I wish there was some way of investing that will allow me to have clarity on what is happening with my money. Perhaps that might help me feel more connected with my money and see my money as an extension of my identity. I think that if I have not 'renounced' my money, then my money or my wealth is a part of me and I am responsible for what that wealth or money lands up 'doing' on the planet. Since I do not have this clarity (in my current way of managing my money), I have taken an escape route of just 'de-identifying' from my money or wealth.

I am curious to hear the extent to which others feel connected or disconnected to their wealth/money, and what their views on this are. Of course I will be delighted to hear suggestions of alternate mental models on 'money' as well........would love that!!!. In this poem I described my own mental model of money (contrasting it between when I was a child to what it is now).

15 Aug 2014

Declaration of Independence

My joy is quite independent
Of how you choose to treat me
Of what you choose to give me
And who you choose to be

Your words might hurt a little
Your actions might bruise a bit
But if I choose to let it go
I can untie myself from it

My peace is quite independent
Of the chaos that is around
Of the violence in the world
And the jarring traffic sound

The news might make me think
The noises might clutter my head
But I can also turn inwards
To access my stillness instead

My love is quite independent
Of how much you love me
Of how you show your love
And how my love you see

My love just comes from me
As my gift to me and you
Independent of who you are
Independent of what you do






11 Aug 2014

Relationships

My friends, you are wonderful
And I like being with you
I enjoy the conversations we have
And I cherish the activities we do

I like them because I come alive
When we spend time together
I am amazed how the stuff we do
Feeds into my inner weather

Sometimes you trigger love in me
And I can witness my heart bloom
Sometimes you trigger pain in me
And I experience loss and gloom



My parents, you are amazing
In how you continuously give
You demonstrate life's lessons to me
Through how you choose to live

I feel indebted to both of you
In several different ways
I feel your love edge me on
Through the stormiest of days

You keep me anchored in this world
When I tend to lose it all
You hold my hand gingerly
And lift me when I fall



My husband, you are the presence
That occupies my home and heart
Bringing colours of different shades
Into my life's unfolding art

You live so very close to me
And share every space of mine
That our emotions cross back and forth
An increasingly blurring line

You are the one who challenges me
To reach for peace and grace
You are the one who walks with me
Through the tribulations we face



My son, you are adorable
You are a blessing in my life
For you alone I don these labels
Of being a mother and wife

I fulfil these roles, however tasking
Because they come with you
It is through them I earn my right
To be involved with all you do

I hold you tenderly in my arms
Because you are a gift of love
A bouncy parcel of joy and bliss
From our miraculous creator above








2 Aug 2014

Fear of Exclusion?

Am I afraid of being excluded
Am I afraid of being left out
Am I afraid of not being asked
And left standing alone with a pout?

Am I afraid of not belonging
Am I afraid of not fitting in
Am I afraid of being so different
That the difference itself becomes a sin?

Am I afraid I will be alone
Am I afraid I will have no friend
Am I afraid that it will tear me down
In a way that I would not be able to mend?

Am I afraid that others will notice
Am I afraid that others will talk
Am I afraid that others will wonder
Why alone I'm choosing to walk?

Am I really afraid of being myself
Am I really afraid of what others see
Am I really afraid of just simply being
The one person who chooses to be with me






29 Jul 2014

With No Tomorrow on the Horizon

If all of life were to freeze
And creation come to standstill
If I were offered one last wish
What is it that I would will?

I would not ask for redemption
I would not ask for freedom
I would not ask to be healed
Or lifted out of boredom

I would not ask for mercy
I would not ask for peace
I would not ask for forgiveness
Or physical and emotional ease

I would ask for wisdom
To understand all that has been
To bid farewell with an understanding
Of all the madness I've seen


Giddy Delights

I have seen this passion rise
And I have seen this passion fade
I have seen it's ebb and flow
I have seen it come and go

I have felt its heady charms
And I have felt it's giddiness
But I have also felt it's transience
And it's effects on my conscience

I have known this tug-of-war
Between the current and future self
And I have known how something sweet
Can turn to bitterness under my feet

Would I then again succumb
To the giddy delights of this beast
When I have seen and I have known
That it can leave me wounded and torn

26 Jul 2014

And so I write.....

I have this compelling need to write
In writing I find my solace
Through writing I find a way to connect
To a still and observant space

The world outside is dancing madly
And thoughts within are prancing wildly
But as I write these thoughts begin
To make some sense to me

The chaos in my mind subdues a bit
And some of it is channeled
Into the comfortable structure of words
My boundless thoughts are funnelled

In the silent spaces between the words
Life's mysteries still exist
And within the chasms of my mind
Life's questions still persist

But my mind has found calmness again
The storm has come and gone
And through the writing of these words
New insights have been born





13 Jul 2014

I Know How it Must Feel

I know how it must feel
To want something so dearly
To long for that one experience
To dream about it so clearly

I know how it must feel
To then stop those dreams midway
To cut your fantasies in half
And throw the pieces away

I know how it must feel
To try and persuade the heart
To tell it to give up what it wants
And yet not fall apart

I know how it must feel
For I have felt the same
None of us is exempt
From this heart-wrenching game

9 Jul 2014

The Memory Trap

A part of me knows it is over
A part of me calls it the past
But a part of me is caught up with
Trying to make those memories last

A part of me has found some peace
A part of me has moved on ahead
But a part of me keeps bringing back
Memories of what was done or said

A part of me knows better now
A part of me accepts what is
But a part of me continues to want
To recreate elements of what I miss

A part of me is walking ahead
A part of me is looking behind
A part of me is tied up tight
In memories and stories of my mind




22 Jun 2014

What You Think About Me

What you think about me
Has more to do with you
And less to do with whatever
I may or may not do

How you happen see me
Is coloured more by your eyes
Less by my appearance
My features or my size

The way you feel about me
Is driven more by your heart
Far less by my attributes
Which play a much smaller part

Why should I then allow
What you think about me
To confine my sense of who I am
Or who I can grow to be






14 Jun 2014

How Peace found Me

It is a saturday morning and my husband is travelling and my son ran away to play and I decided to just sit in my garden and do nothing. I took a book but I did not read it. I just sat in and with the garden. At some point a sense of peace engulfed me and after a while I sensed that I was peace myself.

My Garden - my abode of peace :-)









I am not feeling lonely because
I am alive in this moment
I am fully present to what is here
And what is now around

I am not feeling bored because
A vibrant dance is on
The dance of creation, dance of life
The dance of nature around

I am not feeling afraid because
I am being carried by creation itself
Held and supported by the earth
And hugged by the air around

I am feeling blissful peace because
There is nothing else to feel
Without loneliness, without the fear
I myself am peace

Add as I am writing this the doggies came to share the peace....:-)..

12 Jun 2014

Carrying my Past with Me?

There are many streams I have been
Which became the river I am now
Though still the waters I was then
Yet, I am different somehow

I carry with me all the mud
And dirt I stirred before
And yet I can choose to let it go
And make sure I don't stir more

My waters are infused with the goodwill
Of hearts I've touched in the past
These gifts are mine to carry along
They are blessings that will last

I cannot say it was not me
Who did the things I did back then
But I also know it is not the me
Who is writing now with this pen

I want to carry very lightly
The baggage of my history
And not let it dominate the colours of
Today's unfolding mystery


10 Jun 2014

Unchained and Untamed

Let us create a parallel world
Where I am not ‘me’ and you are not ‘you’
Where either of us is no longer bound
By what ‘me’ and ‘you’ ought to do

Let us create a playful space 
Where norms and rules do not hold
Where we are free to follow our bliss
And the beats of our heart, however bold

Let us create that precious garden
Where herbs and weeds are both the same
Where ‘use’ and ‘utility’ have lost their meaning
And the ‘wild’ is not something to ‘tame’

Let us create within our minds
A sacred sanctuary where we are free
Where voices from the past have quietened down
And we can choose who we can be



5 Jun 2014

Jamun Tree

Oh Jamun Tree, I want to be like you
Who gives and gives and gives
Not like a grabbing little self
Who is focused on taking it all

Oh Jamun Tree, I want to be like you
Standing tall into the sky
Not like a small and pitiful self
With weak and downcast eyes

Oh Jamun Tree, I want to be like you
Rooted deep into the ground
Not like a withering wavy self
That is shaken by every storm

Oh Jamun Tree, I want to be like you
With branches spread out wide
Not like a shy and bound up self
Closed in spirit and mind

Oh Jamun Tree, I want to be like you
Sheltering birds and insects alike
Not like a discriminating judging self
Present for only those I like

Oh Jamun Tree, I want to be like you
Detached from the fate of my fruit
Not like an anxious worried self
Over concerned about my output

Oh Jamun Tree, Perhaps I'm you
Perhaps I just don't see
That your essence is also present in me
It is all really up to me

Context:

My world is Purple these days. I have a Really Big Jamun Tree in my backyard and I am crazy about Jamuns. This year the tree has fruited a million-trillion Jamuns. However, it is not climbable and most Jamuns would get squished while falling. Yesterday my father visited me and he helped me tie bedsheet hammocks under the tree. It rained last night and this morning I found a wonderful treat waiting to be gathered. I was super excited and I ate and ate and ate. In my excitement I forgot to thank the tree. This poem is in honour of this magnificent tree.



20 May 2014

Roads That Lead Nowhere

He walked on the road
He skipped on the road
He danced on the road
Knowing it led nowhere

She wrote out her heart
She wrote in verses
She wrote in sonnets
Knowing it would not be read

He nursed the stray dog
He cleaned it's wounds
He fed it some food
Knowing it would not live

She embraced her lover
She lay in his arms
She yielded to his passion
Knowing it was illusion

2 May 2014

A Dreamer in Me

I have so many ambitions
I have so many dreams
I want to climb many mountains
And swim in many streams

I had as many aspirations
When I was eight or nine
I had wanted to achieve so much
I had wanted to dazzle and shine

The innocence of my dreams have not changed
With all the passing years
What is different though when I dream now
Is that I dream without the fears

I am no longer afraid or worried
Of dreams not coming true
I dream because dreaming is my nature
It is something I spontaneously do

I have no strings attached to my dreams
I'm willing to set them free
I am the dreamer, I blow life into dreams
But they don't belong to me

I hop through life conjuring visions
Of realities that can be
Yet my joy in living comes from the now
From the reality that is currently me


22 Mar 2014

Savouring

Wherever I sit, that is my seat
Wherever I lie down, that is my bed
Whomever I meet, she is my friend
Would I rather that she be a stranger instead?

Whatever I do, that is my work
Whatever invites me, that is my play
Whoever is with me, she is my partner
Why would I not dance with her today?

Whatever unfolds, that is my present
However life shows up, that life is mine
Whoever comes to me, is my companion
For something else, why should I pine?

Wherever I walk, that is my path
Wherever I halt, that is my stop
Whatever I experience, that is my journey
So why not just savour each little drop?





25 Feb 2014

A Point of Perspective

A point of perspective in an ocean of energies
A position in space from where I make sense
From here I see, I touch, I feel,
And call it my own experience

If I shift my perspective, my experience shifts
My position determines what I see
But I hold my position tight and strong
In the belief that the position itself is me

Indeed I am defined by my position
But can I refuse to be bound by one
Can I choose to swim amidst the energies
Shedding the need to be ‘someone’

Streams of energies are flowing around
They do not belong to me anyway
I am only a point of perspective
Making sense of them in a particular way


7 Feb 2014

River of Desire

Sometimes fast, sometimes slow
You’re always flowing ahead aren't you?
You compel me to act and move
All kind of things you make me do

Sometimes you easily carry me along
Within the momentum of your flow
Caught in the rapture of your swirls
I abandon my cares and just let go

Sometimes you cruise within my veins
Pulsing and throbbing inside of me
Energizing and fueling my body and mind
To expand into the visions I see

But sometimes you engulf my very being
And overpower me with your turbulence
I drown and sink and get terribly lost
I lose direction, I lose my sense

3 Feb 2014

Open Doors

I am not closing anything at all
I don’t believe in shutting any door
The windows of my heart are always open
To allow in more and more and more

I am not deciding when is enough
I am not hastening to call it a day
As long as life is playing along
I am also ready and eager to play

I am not afraid of hurt or pain
I am not pre-judging what lies ahead
I am willing to risk a fall or scar
I am willing to allow some tears to shed

I am willing to embrace with open heart
Possibilities that stretch ahead of me
I am dropping the conditions I demand of life
In an attempt to set my own self free


Background:

I had to take a very difficult call today on whether to close something I had left open or remain open to possibility. Continuing to remain open to possibility would make me vulnerable to possible disappointment and hurt. I thought about it for a while and decided that while closing the issue would bring certainty (and therefore make me feel safe) the very idea of closing doors felt alien to my natural impulse. So the above poem is my resolution (in verse)....

25 Jan 2014

Free to Engage, Free to Withdraw

There is no race, no competition, no struggle
There is really nothing to prove at all
I was just led to imagine such things
By those who had been led to believe it all

There is no trophy to be won
There are no trophies under the sun
There is no medal of honour to win
The honour I know comes from within

I am what I am, unique and wonderful
Precious and intriguing, a creation of life
Freely created, free to exist,
Free to engage, free to withdraw
Free to submit to norms around
Free to set them aside and walk
Free from norms of poetry as well
Free to rhyme and free to not! :-)

12 Jan 2014

What Question Can I Ask ?

What question can I ask
As I greet the morning today
To open my heart and mind
In a gentle and loving way

What space can I hold
Inside and outside of me
To bring sleeping seeds to sprout
Into the grandeur they can be

What colours can I embody
Through the presence of my being
To highlight natures beauty
To those not otherwise seeing

What gift can I unravel
And share with all I meet
To bring more warmth into their life
And make this day more sweet